Mika - Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)
I had time for Mika’s first single. It was charming, vaguely intelligent; I thought he might be an all right kind of cove. How wrong was I? This latest lyrical vomit is utterly awful; I go and lock myself in the bogs when it comes on. People think I’ve got the shits, but I don’t care, I never want to hear this heavy-handed hymn to lardy lasses and how great every single one of them is ever again.
Paul McCartney – Dance Tonight
For me, this song is as surreal as the stuff on Yellow Submarine. The concept of the long-faced Gillian McKeith lookalike providing musical accompaniment to people ‘dancing tonight’ and having fun is just plain weird. Plus is that a ukulele? Unforgivable Paul, you look like a right nonce. No wonder Heather fucked off. She knew this was in the pipeline.
First of all Andrea gets some credit for leaving the Corrs. That’s the extent of my goodwill though, as this song is basically a Corrs’ song that has been put through some kind of generic lite dance processing machine in order to give Andrea some edge, I imagine in an unimaginative attempt to buoy her career along for a bit longer. Is ‘MOR Dance’ a genre? Andrea’s just invented it if not.
Gareth Gates - Angel On My Shoulder
In some interview recently GG was explaining how he had a fresh and exciting direction. Whereas Andrea Corr at least has the decency to try something a little edgy (I’m being generous here, ok?) GG has opted to perform a song so overwrought, down tempo and downright tedious that it makes me wonder whether his label isn’t trying to sabotage him from the inside. Genuine queries – who buys this shit?
Robin Thicke – Lost Without You
Two problems – first this is a sorry excuse for a song, pretty much a textbook example of everything I hate, and second, his name is Thicke. THICKE. Is the final ‘e’ silent or voiced?
When I first heard this I was optimistic but by the second listen it was clear that it’s insubstantial chaff. Chucking together a load of vintage samples and saccarine motivational quotations, a la ‘Wear Sunscreen’ and generally ripping off the Go Team!/ Avalanches may impress Steve Wright but not me. Try harder Sonny Jim.
Scouting For Girls - It's Not About You
“Dear Jim
We really like McFly, even though they’re a bit shit. Can you fix it for us to be like them? Obviously we don’t want to be as good as them cos that would be disrespectful, so can you fix it for us to be a third rate tribute act to a third rate somewhat generic guitar band?
from Roy, Greg and Peter from ‘Scouting For Girls’
Some people, myself included would point out that one Anastasia is quite enough for the world. Fergie’s voice on this is pretty weird, strangled and cutesy and all over the place. The one redeeming feature of the song is the unintentional humour in her pronunciation of the line ‘I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket’
Justin Nozuka - Mr Therapy Man
Justin is 12 years old and last year for Christmas he got an acoustic guitar and a random blues lyrics generator. Since then he has put togther some cod blues records, much in the style of tens of other nondescript male singer-songwriters with guitars and sensitive-yet-macho haircuts, and is inflicting them on us. He lives in Luton and although he often sings about his ‘baby’ (who in this song has left him boohoo), he has actually only got as far as brushing up against Laura’s boobs in General Studies.
*I didn’t want to write this, as I know full well the Sams operate a phone system whereby if one branch is busy you’ll get put through to another branch, meaning the phone is always answered. Well done them.
2 comments:
Can't sleep at night as I am tortured by the unknowable (for me, as it would entail actually listening to the unlistenable): what could "the Dutchess" [sic] possibly have come up with as a next line to rhyme with "blanket"?
Someone, anyone? I do hate to be crude, but surely "wank it" must be a contender?"
Keep the miniaturised reviews coming!
She doesn't even bother to make a rhyme, the lyric is -
"And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket/
But I've got to get a move on with my life"
Rubbish. You really should listen to it to hear the wonderfully awful way she pronounces the words, it's like she's totally unfamiliar with the English language. Blanket kind of sounds a bit like 'blayunkeedt'.
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